


A Message From The Dead

by hailynx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Assisted Suicide, Depression, Established Relationship, Fivesome - F/M/M/M/M, Future Fic, Implied Relationships, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Multi, Murder, Murder-Suicide, Panic, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Profanity, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 18:20:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5215952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailynx/pseuds/hailynx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>We were meant to be, another time, another life<br/>Possibly, probably, you would be, mine,<br/>Can you get away, get away, can you get away<br/>I wanna go go where you are</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Haikyuu!.  
> Please do not translate or repost/reupload.  
> A huge thank you to **Alex** & **[Jeannette](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Paltita)** for giving me details of this verse. I've never read/played anything in this area so I had no idea at all. The setting of this story is actually vague and all the information I got was really helpful for shaping it in my head but it didn't quite translate to the fic. Please take the warnings tagged for this fic seriously.

> _We were meant to be, another time, another life_
> 
> _Possibly, probably, you would be, mine,_
> 
> _Can you get away, get away, can you get away_
> 
> _I wanna go go where you are_
> 
>  

—MFBTY

Sweet Dreams

 

 

 

 

 

_The sunrays hit Koushi’s eyes directly and he puts a hand over his forehead to shield them from the light but he doesn’t shy away. The pieces come together awkwardly, kind of like everything else that had happened that day. Still, it’s something worth holding onto to, worth smiling about. Koushi remembers fidgeting at the prospect, feeling unsure and insecure, but it had turned out alright._

_Turning back now to say his goodbyes, Koushi lowers his hands and grins as the sunlight warms his back. The image before his eyes develops with ease. The sun is high in the skies and its light casts a beautiful gleam on Oikawa’s silly smile and at the same time, highlights Iwaizumi’s slightly skewed one, but Koushi grins back at both of them all the same._

_“Then,” Koushi says and his chest swells with anticipation. It is a promise for repeats. “I’ll see you.”_

_Oikawa waves brightly in response and Iwaizumi nods, almost curtly. Koushi laughs into his hand amused, making Oikawa giggle and Iwaizumi grunt. It’s funny that Iwaizumi should feel out of place—like he’s the one out of place because Iwaizumi and Oikawa have always been attached at the hips. But it’s nice too, Koushi thinks, the way that Iwaizumi flushes because this is new for all three of them._

 

 

 

 

 

Koushi stirs awake slowly, eyes opening up to darkness that quickly overtakes the sunshine in his memories. Everything in Koushi’s present is cold. Instantly, Koushi remembers where he is and sits upright, running his dirty hand through even dirtier hair. Koushi doesn’t know if the memory is a reminder of guilt or not. That event had been more than a year ago and the last time he saw the two of them must be some six months. For all he knows, everything has gone wrong and he won’t be seeing them at all. There are no more chances for _repeats_.

 

Koushi closes his eyes for a moment, hoping to be taken back, but the door squeaks and footsteps follow so he reopens them and stays in the present. Shimizu steps into his field of vision and she looks drained. Koushi gets up and shuffles a little to the side to make room for her. He gives Shimizu a soft smile and pats the space next to him.

 

“Hey,” Koushi whispers, “I’m on watch, right?”

 

She nods quietly and sits down beside him. Shimizu sits in silence and Koushi allows her to nod off slowly. They are all drained, but they have to put up with the small hours of sleep that they share. Koushi shifts a little further away so that he doesn’t bother her and Asahi comes sneaking in with a lopsided smile as he passes Koushi a bottle of water.

 

“You’re up,” Asahi mouths.

 

Koushi nods in response, glad to see that Asahi is still with him. There are others too and now that he thinks about it, they remain on his mind. Although he is worried about the others, Koushi is grateful that he’s been left with Asahi and Shimizu. They’re reliable but more so, they’re quiet. Daichi had wisely decided to join Tanaka and Nishinoya—the Lord knows those two need someone to keep them quiet. Koushi isn’t too concerned about Ennoshita, Narita and Kinoshita because they’re sensible enough. Surprisingly—or not, he is most worried about the group of five that have decided to stick together. It looks big, especially with Hinata’s energy but maybe Kageyama will find a way to silence him. And if it’s not Kageyama, then surely Yachi, Yamaguchi or Tsukishima will have a way around it.

 

“We’ll have to move when she gets up,” Koushi whispers, holding back a sigh. “Has it been alright?”

 

Asahi shakes his head, worry lines showing on his forehead, “It’s been really quiet.”

 

Koushi licks his lips, feeling the anxiety rise in his chest. It scoops his heart and suddenly takes flight with a speed that Koushi has trouble keeping up with. The dizzy spell comes along for the rid and Koushi feels like he cannot breathe, but Asahi’s hand comes to contact with his shoulder and a sharp squeeze helps to bring him back. When Koushi manages to gather himself together, he looks at Asahi and gives him a grateful smile—he needed that.

 

“That’s not good…” Koushi finally manages to comment. “Weird actually.”

 

Asahi nods in acknowledgement. That’s clearly not a good sign, even if they want to believe that the calm means that they’re safe. It’s odd but they don’t have anything else to say to each other. The current world demands silence of them and so Koushi shifts to his feet quietly and gestures to the spot next to Shimizu for Asahi to catch a moment of shut-eye as well. Koushi moves closer towards the door and sits down close to it, just so that he can see through the gap and make observations.

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as the sun sets, Koushi makes the effort to wake Shimizu and Asahi up as quietly as possible. Koushi doesn’t want to shock them, but it’s mostly unavoidable because Asahi always jerks in response. Koushi takes a quick step back but he’s also slow and aware of his surroundings. That gets him caught up in Asahi’s hands and Koushi chokes as his neck is restricted. It happens every time and Koushi is not surprise that it’s Shimizu that comes to his rescue. She’s been the most resourceful person since this… _thing_ broke out. Shimizu separates them effectively and sets Asahi right back on track. Koushi rubs at his throat reflexively but doesn’t make a sound even though the ache remains.

 

“Ah…” Asahi’s eyes slowly register the darkness and his frown deepens, “Sorry…”

 

Koushi shakes his head, “We should move.”

 

Before they prepare to leave, Shimizu leaves a message behind. She pulls the knife out of her pocket and carves one of Koushi’s old volleyball signs onto a piece of wood and sets it upright so that it’s in view. They always do it, like a tradition, hoping that if any of the Karasuno members passes by, they will be at ease to know that Koushi’s group is fine. Once Shimizu is done, all three of them continue in silence, shuffling about to get their maps.

 

It’s been a long time coming but the silence still irks him. Koushi is used to the sound of children, the sound of his former teammates when they all gather, but all they have now is silence. They unroll their maps and place it down so that the ends of the pages meet and make a triangle. They have made it by searching for noticeable landmarks but a lot of it has been destroyed. There’s only so much they can do and a lot of the time, it’s assumption.

 

They look at the map together and the exhaustion is evident in their slow analysis. Koushi cannot say for sure if he knows where they are but eventually makes a guess. It’s somewhat logical and Asahi draws a directional line, as a reminder for their taken path. From the last place they marked with an ‘X’ and making a wild guess from their travels, they’ve probably gone past the border of Niigata. They had run into Kozume Kenma at Niigata and picked up some useful advice. Shimizu had decided that returning to Miyagi will be a good way to go. All the old members of the Karasuno Volleyball Team had departed from Miyagi but in the chaos it meant that the supplies will remain. Koushi hopes that Coach Ukai won’t mind the raid in times of need.

 

Once they decide on the root, they roll up the map and tuck it back into their respective bags and make preparations to leave. The three of them are moving along with the hopes of finding a train track and if lucky, they’ll finally get on the path of the Sendai Line. Their paths have worked out so far but that’s because their encounters with the Infected have been relatively low. Koushi doesn’t know why that is, but just a mere six months of living in it and forcing his body to adapt, tells him that either something is going on or something is wrong. They couldn’t count on the Government to be informative in the first place and now, Koushi doesn’t bother looking out for the news.

 

Maybe the Government dispatched boats some eight months ago at the borders but Koushi has heard no news since. And the Government did a funny thing too, launching a spaceship into the sky with some of their finest trained astronaut, probably an attempt at keeping a line of humanity. The Government must have hoped that the epidemic will be over when the astronauts have to return because of their lack of rations. Koushi hopes they’ve got people who can procreate and maybe Tooru—since space is raining aliens. And if they have Tooru, they’ll have Hajime just because. And for Koushi, that’s more than fine.

 

“You’re zoning out again Suga,” Asahi says softly, putting a hand on his shoulder.

 

“O-oh,” Koushi jerks, but his voice is muffled by Asahi’s hand that covers his mouth. “Sorry, I’m good to go.”

 

Koushi earns approval from Shimizu. She gives his shoulder a little squeeze and they make their way to the back exit they made for emergency escapes. Asahi had covered it with a large piece of timber to make it look like a part of the building. Night time is the ideal time to move so they pull it aside carefully to look around. The Infected’s sight seems to be weaker at night and they are not quite as adaptive as human eyes so they have to take advantage of that.

 

“Then,” Koushi clears his throat softly. He hates reiterating the rule, but it’s a necessary reminder. “If we get separated just keep going. Don’t stay to wait if there’s no one there.”

 

“Got it,” Shimizu and Asahi nod in understanding.

 

Koushi shakes his head and picks his backpack off the ground. He slides into it and then buckles it tightly so that it doesn’t shake when he moves. The least amount of noise he makes, the better their chances of survival. Shimizu and Asahi follow in suit. Once done, Shimizu turns around and nods at them, remaining silent. With whatever useful cloth they have left they cover the bottom half of their faces and tuck the remaining material into their collars and tie it tightly to ensure that it’s secure.

 

Once they crawl out of the open hole for the escape, Koushi takes another closer look at their surroundings as Asahi brings around the bikes that they’ve managed to steal and modify. Shimizu had yanked off the bells and taped up the night lights to accommodate their needs. They all hop in as quietly as possible and begin on a quiet path, hoping that it will remain that way. It’s hardly empty though. The buildings have collapsed and corpse of people litters the paths. It’s a sight that had drawn a lot of attention back at the beginning, but now, they just pass it by. There is no time to stop and mourn.

 

They seem to ride on for forever in darkness. It is quiet give for a few chipping sounds that comes from birds and insects. It makes Koushi wonder if he should just hid in a tree. From what he’s seen the Infected aren’t good climbers—but he hasn’t seen everything so nothing goes until someone can say yes one hundred percent but that probably won’t be happening any time soon. Still, it’s so eerily quiet that Koushi’s body fools itself into a sense of security, body lax and adrenaline low.

 

Koushi has an inkling feeling that he shouldn’t look back but that’s exactly _why_ he does. Koushi receives a surprise, not quite in the sense of the word, but it prompts him to pedal harder. Of course the Infected had been quiet—there are so many of them it makes him wonder if they have obtained the ability to plan but he pushes it out of mind as he speeds up to fit his bicycle in between Shimizu and Asahi.

 

“We’ve got company,” Koushi tells him through gritted teeth, “Pedal hard!”

 

It is at times like these, Koushi wishes that he had Hinata’s physical attributes. It would be immensely helpful, but he throws that thought out too. Koushi needs to pedal hard without thinking too much about the numerous _if onlys_ because that’s not going to save him. Koushi moves his feet but closes his eyes to take a moment to compose himself for the long run. He squeezes his eyes together tightly and throws out all the images and shakes his head clear. Koushi tells himself to be ready and prepared but he’s still not used to it. Unlike his comrades, Koushi is failing to adapt. So it catches him by surprise when he opens his eyes again to Shimizu yelling his name and an Infected coming right at him.

 

Koushi hates how they seem to be connected to one another. Once caught, the rest of them just jump out of nowhere and it always looks like a well planned ambush. Jerking in reaction, Koushi swerves the bike around and sends his foot out to trip the incoming Infected but it’s only a temporarily distraction. Luckily, Koushi manages to get the bicycle back on foot, while yelling for Shimizu and Asahi to just _go, go, go_ and pedalling for his life.

 

Koushi wills himself not to stop. He doesn’t look back but he’s not really looking forward either. He just needs to go and at this point it doesn’t matter where, so long as it’s away from the Infected. Koushi pedals and pedals for the longest time, immersed in it, just the sound of the wheels rolling on and on. When his lungs give out, crying for water, he slows just a little and turns around to see if Shimizu and Asahi are still with him but they’re not there. Koushi does a double take in disbelief, but neither the Infected nor his comrades are around.

 

A sense of dread falls on his shoulders and Koushi feels like he cannot keep going. He’s probably off track now and needs to stop moving away from their possible rendezvous location. Being extra quiet, Koushi grabs the water bottle, takes a quick sip and darts his eyes around for a place that he can hide temporarily so that he can figure where it is that he is. Nowhere is safe, but Koushi cannot keep going without a proper hideout. If day comes before he’s hidden, it will be the end.

 

Deciding that he only needs a few minutes to locate himself on the map, Koushi finds a big corner behind one of the large mountain passes and drops his bicycle off to the side. Koushi remains quiet and is careful as he pulls out the map. Koushi hopes that there will be a way around. As safe it is looks to be in the mountains—because the cold slows him down so it must have the same effect for the Infected—the bicycle cannot handle the trip and Koushi’s not equipped to face the winter weather.

 

Koushi unrolls the map carefully. At the same time, he takes out the duct tape as well and momentarily pulls off his cotton mask. Now that he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, it’s just safer this way. Koushi pulls a strip of the tape and cuts it off with a small and clean pocket knife and then sticks it over his mouth. He cannot afford to take any more risks and pulls the cotton mask back up. In exchange for putting the tape back, Koushi takes out the texta pen and studies the map.

 

Koushi scribbles between the two mountains, Ninouji and Dainichi because he is unsure. It doesn’t matter which mountain it is. They’re both close to each other. Somehow, he’s managed to go on a hiking track, straight across the map. It looks like it’ll be full of mountain terrain, if he intends to go straight and that means ditching the bicycle completely—the back tyre is already flat so there’s no point dragging along deadweight. Besides, Koushi cannot afford to go back, just so he can find his way around the Prefecture he’s never been to. Once he decides, Koushi makes his way back and breaks off parts of the bicycle that might be useful and tucks it into his backpack. He bids his bicycle goodbye and forges on by foot, hoping that the cold will be a friend.

 

 

 

 

 

The cold is not really a friend, but Koushi allows it to lean towards that grey area. It’s colder than expected but that’s probably because he’s not dressed for the weather. Still, Koushi manages to travels at an even place. The mountains had probably been empty in the first place or maybe the virus died off because it couldn’t survive the cold but Koushi is lucky. There have been very few Infected since he began following the mountain trail.

 

He considers himself lucky, but it still makes him jump every time rotten bodies come into view. The few that have freaked him out have been frozen stiff but still menacing. Koushi had almost yelled at the top of his lungs, but the duct tape held him back. It also allowed him to calm and look through the situation because he couldn’t shout his mouth off. And after a few encounters, Koushi has conditioned himself to silence even when he is faced with them.

 

As he travels further, Koushi finds himself staggering along and his pace is even slower than the previous day’s. He walks while rubbing his hands together so that he doesn’t lose them to frostbite. Koushi knows that it’s unwise to have his hands occupied because an Infected that is immune to the cold could very well appear at any moment but his hands instinctively move so that they don’t become stiff.

 

As night threatens to fall, Koushi walks even slower, hands rubbing together to generate heat. It feels like its stopped working, but Koushi continues, with his head lowered so that the wind won’t brush past his cotton mask. But as slow as he is, Koushi can still sense the presences around him. Upon sensing it, he stops, backtracks a few steps and takes a good look around him. The boarder horizon is mostly white because of the snow, but there is another Infected frozen in his path. The Infected wasn’t moving at all so Koushi moves forward with caution. To be safe, he knocks the body over and glides the blade through the neck and severs it from the body. Just because it is frozen now doesn’t mean it won’t function when the seasons change.

 

“That’s a good move.”

 

It can only be a human but Koushi still jerks back in a guarded manner. He squint his eyes, hoping to be intimidating but the man there doesn’t move. Koushi shakes his head to clear the image because he’s been _seeing_ things lately. Being alone hasn’t accommodated for sleep, even though Koushi hasn’t run into that many Infected. His body has been trained to be alert because sleep has been hard to come by without friends to watch his back.

 

“Sugawara-san,” he says, catching Koushi off guard, “I’d recognize your hair anywhere.”

 

Koushi instinctively runs a hand through his hair and feels the grown length. He’s probably due for another cut soon. Shimizu had run her blade through it and cut it as close to his scalp as possible but the fact that his hair marks him still doesn’t make sense. Koushi stares a little harder but no familiar faces come to mind except for those of the dead. He can’t even speak anyway, the duct tape still tight around his mouth.

 

“Kunimi.”

 

It takes a long while before Koushi can nod in recognition. By Kunimi, he must mean Kageyama’s middle school teammate. The boy has grown to be lankier than Koushi remembers but everyone else still alive is probably getting there. Koushi is the same too, with how light his backpack has become. All the supplies are running low and he doesn’t know how far off from the old civilization he is.

 

“Come this way,” Kunimi instructs, waving for Koushi to follow.

 

Koushi doesn’t manage an answer and shakes his head and puts his hand up, asking for a moment. He carefully removes the cloth and then peels the tape off. He takes the chance to breathe in a long breath of air and sighs in relief.

 

“A-are you a-alone?” Koushi stutters, teeth now chattering because he’s removed the tap that kept his mouth closed.

 

“I got separated,” Kunimi explains and the underlying tone is it happens. “Looks like you did too.”

 

“Y-yeah,” Koushi agrees and then, keeps his mouth taut to stop the shaking.

 

He doesn’t know how long it’s been but it’s nice to talk to someone that’s sane even if he doesn’t feel very welcomed. It feels like there’s hope and maybe, Kunimi will be kind enough to allow him some proper shut eye. He feels drowsy and slightly edgy because there have been instances where he couldn’t differentiate between some dead bushes and an Infected. Even now, his vision is a blur and Kunimi continues to fade into the distance.

 

Kunimi leads him towards a little cave that’s sunken in and he’s wary to enter. Koushi licks his lips nervously and Kunimi assures him of his safety—or to the extent that Koushi can protect himself and Koushi decides that he hasn’t yet done anything to warrant any more hate from Kunimi so he enters with caution. It’s warmer inside and Koushi suddenly feels a lot safer.

 

“Oikawa-sempai was heading back to Miyagi,” Kunimi says, eyeing Koushi with some evident distaste, “Of course that means that Iwaizumi-sempai went as well.”

 

Koushi swallows but and holds back from asking why. Koushi shuffles into the innermost corner of the cave to hide from the wind and for now, that seems enough to calm his body down. He feels like he’ll be making an enemy out of Kunimi if he asks the wrong thing. But thinking about it has him curious and the question slips out before he knows it.

 

“They didn’t manage to evacuate?”

 

The last thing Koushi had heard on the radio was the sound of the reporter screaming. Before that, they were saying that Tokyo was evacuating as many people as possible, mostly the young because they had the highest chances of survival—wherever it was that they were being taken. The details were not discussed in detail—like the Government was trying to conceal the knowledge from the Infected, but Koushi has come to understand that the Infected _don’t_ actually understand anything.

 

Kunimi shakes his head, “The response was much slower than what the Government had made it out to be.”

 

It actually makes a lot of sense but for once, Koushi had hoped that the Government would actually serve the people but it seems like they hadn’t managed at all. Now, Koushi will be actively worrying about the two that have decided to return to Miyagi. They shouldn’t have. Koushi doesn’t think there would be anything there for them to go back.

 

“That’s a good expression,” Kunimi compliments. “But I think you should get some rest. I’ll stay on watch for you.”

 

Kunimi shuffles about the little crave and push the pile of wood a little closer to where Koushi is sitting. Koushi watches in fascination as Kunimi starts a fire with some wood, twirling a twig in his hands until it starts blooming a bright and colourful mix of red, orange and yellow. It’s the colour of the sun and it triggers a happier memory. Koushi finds his eyes locked on the flame—it’s been so long since he’s seen anything colourful in their new, bleak world.

 

“Sugawara-san?”

 

Koushi blinks, taken aback by another kind offer, “Uh… is it really okay?”

 

Kunimi eyes him, “The offer is there. It’s up to you to take it.”

 

Kunimi steps outside for a moment, leaving Koushi alone. Even if Koushi has no intention of taking up the offer, his body isn’t quite as resilient as he hoped it would be. He finds himself growing comfortable, head nodding off every now and then. Every time that he jerks, Koushi sits right back up and forces his eyes to stay open, but eventually exhaustion wins over him.

 

When Koushi wakes up, it is of his own will. Koushi stirs but doesn’t jerk in response of fear because he feels like everything has become normal again. There’s a softness pressed against his arm and face and he almost mistakes it for the safety of his bed. But reality catches up fast and the image of his last kill flashes in his memory.

 

“Where am I?” Koushi mumbles, when he opens his eyes and sees darkness.

 

“Mount Dainichi,” Kunimi supplies, reminding him to _stop_ dreaming. “I’m surprised you managed to sleep comfortably on that.”

 

Koushi looks down and finally notices that he’s been hugging on tightly to his backpack. He flashes Kunimi a sheepish smile, trying to convey that it had been reflexive rather than a matter of trust, but Kunimi has already turned away.

 

“I hope you have food,” Kunimi sighs inwardly, “Cause I don’t have enough to cover the both of us.”

 

“Ah,” Koushi nods groggily, but opens up his bag and rummages through it. He doesn’t have a lot, only a few canned items and he takes out a canned soup to share. “It’s not much but…”

 

Kunimi doesn’t look for anything else, “That will do.”

 

Kunimi adds to the flame with small pieces of wood. Koushi hands over the canned soup which Kunimi proceeds to heat up for them to share. Over the shitty food, but food nonetheless, Koushi continues to shift a bit closer to the flame. Right now Koushi feels lucky to have bumped into Kunimi who is surprisingly resourceful, despite their situation. Eventually, Kunimi turns to him and asks the really important questions.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Fukushima for now,” Koushi explains. “Hopefully I’ll meet some friends there. We were heading to Miyagi though.”

 

Kunimi nods, “You got a map?”

 

Koushi nods and pulls out his map. He spreads it across the floor, close to the flame so that they can see it. Kunimi nods in acknowledgement of everything that Koushi has scribed on it and reaches over for the pen.

 

“This is the route that Oikawa-sempai and Iwaizumi-sempai are taking,” Kunimi points out, scribbling it with Koushi’s texta. “You’re currently in Dainichi, but you can get closer to the main road here,” Kunimi draws another arrow pointing towards Kitakata and then the intercepting point with Tooru’s route. “It’s a bit rocky, but better than travelling the whole mountain pass and possibly die of the cold.”

 

Koushi looks down at the map and nods at the directions that Kunimi has given him. The path is definitely there, but he is unsure. Although Koushi doesn’t want to doubt other humans still alive on Earth, his fears get the better of him. Biting down on his lips, Koushi looks up at Kunimi sternly.

 

“How do you know this?”

 

“It’s a guess,” Kunimi clears his throat, cringing as the memory comes back to him. “Hanamaki-sempai mentioned it back in high school. Hypothetically speaking, Oikawa-sempai would attend a university in Tokyo and play for the university team. Iwaizumi-sempai would remain in Miyagi and if aliens invaded the earth Oikawa-sempai said he was going to take this path if all else fails.”

 

Koushi blinks at Kunimi’s answer and takes his time processing until a soft chuckle rumbles out of his throat. “That’s like him.”

 

“It’s ridiculous,” Kunimi shakes his head. “But I think he’ll stick to it.”

 

Koushi nods along in agreement. It would be good if Tooru takes that route. It will mean that he has thought about it and planned it through. That will give him an advantage—even if the situation is not quite the same. However, Koushi doesn’t know why, Kunimi is telling him this. The information and the plan had been one that was restricted to Tooru’s use with Hajime. Koushi has never heard about it from them before.

 

“Why… are you telling me this?”

 

“You’re going to look for them,” Kunimi says as a statement and narrows his eyes the moment that he senses Koushi’s hesitation, “Aren’t you?”

 

Koushi ends up nodding. It’s feels like the truth had been drawn out of him more than anything. Koushi feels his chest constricting. Will he follow this route to find them or go on his way to return to the safety he has with his friends? But more than that, great fear coils inside him. Koushi can feel the heat rising in his chest and the empty ringing in his ears, loud enough to give him a headache. Koushi doesn’t know if he can make it on his own right now, let alone later while going in on search for them.

 

“Sugawara-san?”

 

Koushi jerks, looking up with a small smile, hiding his hands in each other so that Kunimi doesn’t catch onto his trembling.

 

“Yeah,” Koushi says slowly, “I’m going. And you? Are you staying here?”

 

Kunimi shrugs, “For as long as I can anyway.”

 

Koushi nods. Soon, winter will pass and the snow will cease to fall, even on the mountains. Even if it’s kept Kunimi safe for now, it may not always be that way. It’s unfortunate, but it reiterates to Koushi once again, that nowhere is safe enough. Shortly after a moment of silence, Kunimi begins again, a proposal to share all the information that he has, in exchange for the information that Koushi has.

 

They agree and Koushi stays, for another day or so, filling Kunimi in with all the knowledge that he has obtained along the way. The things he’s learnt firsthand, Koushi says with confidence. Anything that Koushi has obtained elsewhere, even if it seems to be reliable, Koushi informs with caution and a warning. It’s worked out for him so far, but Koushi doesn’t want Kunimi thinking that he’s providing false information for any reason. In return for the care over the past two days, Koushi leaves behind some spare duct tape and some supplies of food and water. He doesn’t have much left, but Koushi is venturing out where it’s _possible_ that he may find some. Kunimi might be able to melt the ice, but Koushi has to relay his gratitude somehow.

 

“Thanks,” Kunimi says, showing him out. “Good luck out there.”

 

Koushi bows his head slightly, “Thanks for your care.”

 

 

 

 

 

The mountain pass that connects Koushi to the main path isn’t as cold, but it’s much more dangerous than what it had been when Koushi was in the middle of it. His encounter with the Infected increases as he moves away from the snow. Koushi had almost gotten his arm chomped off, if it were not for Kozume’s advice to have some duct tape plastered across his skin. However, Koushi’s shirt is ruined and now all Koushi has to defend his body is a layer of duct tape and it’s starting to get chilly again with the weather changes.

 

Once the mount pass disappears behind him, Koushi kind of regrets ditching the bicycle but there’s nothing he can do about it now. It had been much easier travelling on it, especially for escaping, but now, Koushi has to be more cautious in everything that he does. If Koushi wakes up one Infected, that will get the _whole_ nest up and even if he obtains Hinata’s agility, it won’t be enough to save him.

 

Koushi has been hiding in a tree for a day and it’s time to move on. After checking out his surroundings, Koushi jumps down the tree and walks over to the little abandoned cottage. He’s been watching it and there hasn’t been anything entering or exiting. It might make a good place to stay once he’s topped up on his supplies. Koushi doesn’t know where he is, but he hopes to find some landmarks around once he finds a store. If not, then maybe a little sign from Shimizu or Asahi to assure him that they are fine.

 

After doing a careful round check of the cottage, Koushi pushes the back door open carefully and peeks through. The door, thankfully, doesn’t creak and gives him some time to study quietly. There’s no movement at all and it’s relatively empty. Being careful, Koushi enters on his tip toes and scouts out the area. He thinks his quiet, but apparently _not_. If anything, it seems like the Infected—

 

“Hey, if you’re human,” a muffled voice chuckles, “You’d better—”

 

Koushi freezes momentarily, trying to register the message before he stops all together. Koushi stops in his tracks because that _voice_. No matter what the warning is Koushi is quick to rush over, pulling the layers that cover the voice away so that he can verify it. The outline of Tooru’s face comes into view as Koushi’s eyes adjust to the light. They widen in both surprise and recognition and his reaction is automatic. It’s dangerous and idiotic but Koushi reaches up to his cotton mask and begins to pull the cloth away when Tooru chuckles lowly.

 

“Stupid,” Tooru breathes out a little chuckle. “That’s not safe you know.”

 

Koushi rolls his eyes, but carefully, tucks his hand under the mask to pull the duct tape away. He needs to communicate if there are others around. It’s important to have communication with other people and especially if it’s Tooru.

 

Koushi sighs, the moment the he’s free to breathe. “You make it sound like I’ll need to lop your head off.”

 

The chuckling ceases almost immediately but Tooru tries to cover it up with a cough. Koushi does a double take, staring deeply into Tooru’s eyes for an answer but Tooru turns away and that is enough of a sign. Koushi searches him for wounds and when Tooru struggles, Koushi pulls on his shirt and finds a large wound on his left shoulder. Koushi staggers backwards, falling onto his thigh and pulling a hand up to cover his mouth, failing to hide the shock. The blood has dried off there, but the wound is open and the skin there is rotting away slowly. There’s a red slash across his shoulders too, probably an attempt to sever the arm, but that’s probably not possible given how strong the shoulder bone is.

 

Suga doesn’t know what to make of it but he _hopes_ , “Please tell me you’re immune.”

 

“Just a little resistant,” Tooru supplies shaking his head, causing the skin to flake off, “As you can see from the rotting.”

 

“What—”

 

“Ah,” Tooru begins coughing. He turns away from Koushi and closes his eyes tightly together, trying to stop the fit, but it doesn’t help. “This is such a mess.”

 

“Where’s Hajime?” Koushi asks, looking around because there’s no sign of him at all. “I thought he was with you.”

 

There’s no way that Hajime would leave Tooru here all alone, especially in the state that he is. Actually, no matter what it is and what the result, Hajime will be there. Hajime should be here. He will have something to say, something to do. Koushi doesn’t know what it is that he can do in this situation.

 

“Eh, how did you know that?” Tooru questions, eyes surprisingly bright.

 

“I ran into Kunimi-san,” Koushi explains but leaves out the details of how Kunimi had almost caught him in a trap. That’s not good for morale, neither Tooru’s nor his. “He said that the two of you would be together, heading back to Miyagi…”

 

“We got separated,” Tooru explains softly. “He’s fine though. I’m sure that he’s fine.”

 

Koushi cannot be sure what is _fine_ , if this is the state that Tooru is in. Koushi cannot tear his eyes away from the wound even as he finds himself trembling. How many days has it been? How will he know if Tooru will continue to be safe or not? What is he hoping for? But more than that, Koushi wants to scold them both for staying behind when they had the chance to go.

 

Koushi mumbles to himself, “No matter where it was, the two of you should have gone.”

 

Tooru throws him a flat, unimpressed look. It makes Koushi’s frown deepen. Neither of them softens their expression to give way. Koushi continues to keep his mouth downturned and Tooru shakes his head a little sadly before he sharpens his gaze, like he has been hurt by Koushi’s words. Koushi doesn’t take his words back because he means it. If they were far away, he will worry less but they’re here and if Tooru is like this then what of Hajime?

 

“How could we go without you?” Tooru glares but his voice is surprisingly soft, “I don’t think aliens on Mars would be much better, even if I _am_ incredibly fond of them.”

 

“I could have been on one of those early evacuation boats.”

 

Koushi means it earnestly. He had considered it when the Government were offering the trip. They’d taken on a lot of children and Koushi had just been unlucky. He can’t stay for sure that he would have stayed behind just because he didn’t know whether or not Tooru and Hajime were safe but he wanted to believe that they would have gone. It is aliens and space. There’s no way Tooru would have stayed, especially with the threat of extinction. Or maybe, that’s just wishful thinking to get rid of his guilt.

 

Tooru manages reason, “But you’re here.”

 

“I might not have survived,” Koushi replies.

 

“Still here,” Tooru repeats stubbornly.

 

Koushi frowns in return and Tooru, grins in a silly manner at his victory. But if Tooru is grinning like that with silence—without anything else to say, it might not be his victory after all. Koushi lets it sit for another few minutes as he debates on what his options are. His options are actually limited, but Koushi hopes that Tooru isn’t just _resistant_ but _immune_. That would save him a lot of pain.

 

“Now that you’re done derailing me,” Koushi says finally. “Tell me what happened.”

 

“Kou-chan!” Tooru mumbles with a little pout, “I can’t believe you cornered me like that.”

 

“Well,” Koushi replies. “I’m _not_ Hajime.”

 

Of course he’s not Hajime who just silences Tooru so that he’ll shut up and rethink it, feel guilty and then confess. It’s an effective method, but only works well if it’s Hajime executing it. When it comes to Koushi, he prefers to let Tooru say everything that he wants to say. Once Tooru is out of things to say, Koushi can ask the questions and Tooru will answer not because he wants to, but because he _has_ to.

 

“Ch’,” Tooru clicks his tongue. “And to think that I actually _like_ that about you.”

 

Koushi sighs, “Flattering me right now will get you nowhere, Tooru.”

 

“Eh, really?” Tooru winks at him.

 

Koushi just shakes his head, “This isn’t the time. You should know that.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Tooru frowns this time, voice softer than usual. “But… I managed to protect him.”

 

Koushi stares at him, mouth open beneath the mask, until he forces it to close. Koushi bites down on his lower lip and forces his eyes to remain still, although he’s sure that they are already wavering. It’s not that Koushi isn’t glad for Hajime’s safety. Just hearing it was enough to put half of his heart at ease but what about the other half? Tooru couldn’t possibly be expecting a _praise_ from Koushi for keeping Hajime _safe_ at the cost of his _own_ life? It’s likely, but Koushi backs up just a little bit, grabbing onto his hands to stop the trembling. He’s not Hajime, so he’s not going to threaten Tooru with pain no matter how much he wants to at the moment.

 

“Kou-chan…?”

 

Koushi swallows to make sure that his voice is clear, “Does he know?”

 

Koushi’s tone, stern and stiff doesn’t allow Tooru any room to dodge the question. It’s almost _accusatory_ but not completely. That is not Koushi’s intentions. All he wants to know is the truth so that he can try and figure out how he should deal with the aftermath.

 

“I told him that we’d meet up.” Tooru manages to shake his head, “Don’t think that’s happening though.”

 

“Making promises you can’t keep,” Koushi chides, eyes downcast. “That’s not fair you know?”

 

“If I didn’t, he would have stayed,” Tooru reasons. “And what good is that?”

_And what good does being cruel to me do?_

“And,” Koushi licks his dry lips and recomposes the question, “What do you want me to do for you, Tooru?”

 

“Help me,” Tooru requests, light and gentle. “Please, Kou-chan.”

 

Koushi slouches down on his knees, almost letting the words _don’t call me that_ slip out of his mouth. It’s lucky that he has a mask on. Koushi bites down on his lips hard enough for it to bleed, but he will do anything to keep his mouth shut. Tooru has always been a little mean, but it’s always been playful. This time, Koushi doesn’t have room to think of his request in that light. There’s nothing playful about what Tooru is asking Koushi for.

 

“There aren’t a lot of options right?” Tooru continues, still smiling wryly. “I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re a terrible man,” Koushi shakes his head. “Daichi was right about you.”

 

Tooru has the audacity to laugh, “I’ll let Sawamura-kun win this one.”

 

Dachi wouldn’t want to win over Tooru on a matter like this. If Daichi were here, he’d probably punch Tooru once for the request and another, for giving up so easily. Koushi cannot do it after all. Just a few minutes in and thinking about it has Koushi drained of all of his energy. He didn’t think that he would be put on the spot like this but he doesn’t know whether or not another person would have come. Would Tooru ask them for the same thing? If they couldn’t do it, would Tooru have ended up roaming around like all the other Infected? Does that mean that the results would be the same? If Koushi doesn’t _save_ Tooru now, someone else will _kill_ him later.

 

“Ah, he might punch me instead,” Tooru exclaims, “Think it’ll be hard enough to dislodge my neck?”

 

“Tooru,” Koushi heaves a sigh, “Calm down, okay?”

 

The reality is as Tooru says but he’s having a hard time accepting it too. Seeing him like this makes Koushi feel like he has to be the sensible one. Koushi doesn’t have a lot of options unless he’s okay with Tooru running rampage and knowing that as he makes his escape isn’t going to make it any easier on him. But, how could he actually do this? Even if Koushi keeps silent Tooru manages to see through the expression that he hides. Tooru pulls his fake smile taut across his cheeks and pushes against Koushi’s arm lightly.

 

“You’re probably tried,” Tooru pleads. “Sleep on it, okay?”

 

 

 

 

 

Sleeping on it doesn’t make the decision any easier. Koushi slipped away from reality but couldn’t sleep. He didn’t feel safe, even if it was Tooru that was on the verge of becoming an Infected. Tooru had told him that he hadn’t seen any Infected for days. It’s probably because Tooru _is_ on the way to becoming on and they’re just not interested in him anymore. It makes sense and Koushi had been safe that way. But that safety is not a means to an end. Now that Koushi is fully awake, reality comes crashing back down and he has no room for escape.

 

When Koushi is done waking himself fully by rubbing his eyes for a clear view, Koushi moves over to where Tooru is lying to check up on him. Tooru doesn’t look any better or any worse. Tooru is still running a high fever and his breathing hasn’t calmed down at all in the past twelve hours. However, if Koushi’s eyes aren’t fooling him, the rotting has spread more than he remembered it to be yesterday. If this keeps up, Tooru will probably be gone. So perhaps Tooru isn’t immune to the virus, but his resistance is something that is real. The only problem is that they don’t know how long he will last.

 

“Didn’t sleep very well?” Tooru asks.

 

“Seems like you did though,” Koushi quips in return.

 

Tooru chuckles inwardly, quietly. It’s very unlike him and Koushi feels odd seeing it, because Tooru has always laughed with his whole body. Everything about Tooru right now, feels like the end. It’s not a sight that Koushi wants to see, that’s why he had hoped that Tooru and Hajime would have managed to get away.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tooru apologises again.

 

“It’s not your fault,” Koushi manages to choke out.

 

Koushi means it because it’s the truth, but he wants to say it so that Tooru can be at ease. Saving Hajime is the right thing to do. Koushi would have done so himself but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard on him to be facing the consequences. It will not be Tooru or Hajime here to deal with the aftermaths. Everything is left in Koushi’s hands and it’s much heavier than he could ever imagine. Koushi can already feel it weighing down on his heart and instead of taking flight this time it feels like his heart is being crushed.

 

“I’m still sorry,” Tooru replies quietly. “But I’m glad at the same time…”

 

Koushi doesn’t have to ask what Tooru means by that. It probably didn’t have to be him that Tooru encountered at the last minute, but it just happens to be. Maybe that gives Tooru some more closure, as he opens up Koushi’s wound and digs deep. Still, Koushi holds back his retort. There’s nothing that will change even if he shows his anger. No one wanted it to be like this.

 

“I’d like to die human,” Tooru tells him, making it a request and those words are enough to trap Koushi where he is. If there’s anything Koushi couldn’t deny Tooru of, it’d be this and it is precisely because Koushi would ask for the same thing. “I am sorry to be asking you though. I just don’t have the strength.”

 

Koushi can tell that Tooru means it. Aside from his shoulder, there’s a wound on his neck, but with just one functioning hand, it had been hard to finish the job. Koushi swallows, looking at the wound there. He probably can’t do it either, severing Tooru’s head. The flesh there is still fresh, still not rotten enough to cut through like a normal Infected. But he reaches over, gloved hands gripping around the blade that Tooru had used in his attempt. His hand is trembling uncontrollably and Tooru catches sight of it, but of course, chooses to ignore it.

 

“This is the right thing to do you know?”

 

“This isn’t the time to be joking,” Koushi chides, hands trembling.

 

Koushi holds the knife close to Tooru’s chest, slightly skewed on the right side, where he can still feel the heat and bites down on his lip. He doesn’t like this at all, but in this place where there is only two of them and no one else, who can Koushi entrust the task to? It will be one idea to leave Tooru with a note that directs the next encountering person on _how_ to kill him, but Koushi knows that he would not be able to live with that either.

 

“Hey,” Tooru says, moveable hand touching Koushi’s arm slightly, “One more thing?”

 

Koushi swallows the thick lump in his throat away and refuses to look. Tooru probably has that pleading look on his face even though he knows that Koushi will agree. It’s not _fair_ at all. He has an idea of what it is that Tooru will ask. Koushi will not be able to deny that either. He is already doing the worst so there’s nothing that he _can’t_ do.

 

“What is it?” Koushi asks, steadying his blame on the hilt of the blade, ready to push. “Tell me.”

 

Tooru has the audacity to smile, like he’s only asking for something small. Koushi listens to his quiet whisper and nods, shaking the tears away with each small action. Tooru doesn’t wipe them for him this time, but places his right hand down on the hilt of Koushi’s blade as encouragement.

 

“Forgive me,” Koushi sobs and Tooru smiles at him softly, as an apology for forcing his hand.

 

Koushi swallows and with the remainder of Tooru’s strength, pushes down hard, forcing the blade to rip through layers and layers of skin, until Tooru is bleeding red. Tooru gasps at the pain and Koushi feels his hands tremble, ready to pull away but Tooru holds his grip tightly and forces Koushi to turn the blade, making sure to wreck the organ beyond repair. Koushi does so, slowly because there is resistance. Koushi feels it vibrate against his skin—the way that the skin rips at the edges, the way that the blade scraps roughly against the rib bone in resistance. Although Koushi cannot hear it, he can feel it with his hands, against his strength and it’s enough to have a resounding echo reply in his head again and again.


	2. Chapter 2

_The warmth of the sun filters through the little gaps and Koushi stirs a little, only to snuggle closer to the soft comfort. It has become nice to be around them and Koushi is starting to get used to it, though he does feel a little suffocated with how small the space is. Still, he doesn’t move very far from his spot on the small couch._

_“Hey,” Iwaizumi greets him, smile lopsided, because he’s in pain, carrying the weight of two._

_“Hey,” Koushi answers in return with a smile and leans forward a little, pecking Iwaizumi’s cheek before settling back down on Oikawa’s chest. “Did I fall asleep first?”_

_“Nah, Oikawa did,” Iwaizumi tells him, shifting a little._

_Koushi hums a little, turning around to look at the television. It’s been turned off and he doesn’t remember doing it, so it must have been Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi must have struggled because of them and the thought comes along with an image that has Koushi giggling._

_“What… is it?” Iwaizumi asks, a little awkwardly, as if he’s unsure he’s allowed to ask._

_Koushi looks up at him, eyes crinkling up a little, “Nah, just thinking… thanks for your hard work.”_

_Iwaizumi raises a brow, confused but before he can ask for an answer, Oikawa stirs awake and hugs Koushi, pulling him back onto his chest, keeping him close. It makes it harder to move and Iwaizumi grunts, but allows them to be. The couch is a bit small for three but it’s nice, Koushi thinks as he tries to recall why they’re all asleep here in the first place._

_“Hm?”_

_Koushi notices something weird and presses his ear a little closer to Oikawa’s chest. He listens hard, but is interrupted by Iwaizumi’s laughter and Oikawa’s whining. Clicking his tongue, Koushi lifts a hand to cover Oikawa’s mouth and once Oikawa is quiet, Iwaizumi follows. Koushi presses even closer, but still, the beating of Oikawa’s heart is dull. Koushi carefully pulls away, looking at the both of them._

_Oikawa beams and pulls Koushi back, resting Koushi’s head against his chest again, “You need to love me right, Suga-chan.”_

_“Pfft,” Iwaizumi snorts, “Don’t you have something new to say?”_

_“Eh,” Koushi whines a little, “He used that line on you too, Iwaizumi-san?”_

_“So cool right?” Iwaizumi smirks, sarcasm dripping from his voice._

_Oikawa whines in protest almost immediately. Koushi knows he had said something snarky in response but he can’t quite recall what it had been. Instead, he finds himself poised up, knife directly above the place his head had been rested, skewed on the right. Oikawa is still telling Koushi to love him right and Koushi nods, promising to do so as he pierces that blade right through._

_Oikawa’s eyes widen as the wound begins to open up. Oikawa’s hands catches Koushi’s and he squeezes them tightly, eyes locking on Koushi’s in the most accusing manner. They are blown wide and the word_ why _continues to slip out of Oikawa’s lips. The red that soaks through Oikawa’s white shirt, bleeds and bleeds until it stains Koushi’s hand, wet and warm and then dry and permanent._

_Breathing heavily, Koushi backs away. Iwaizumi’s piercing gaze is fixed on him and he rubs his hands together, to stop the shaking and to rid himself of the stain. It only spreads further and Koushi continues the effort, smearing it across his clothes, but nothing really helps to rid himself of it. Instead the blood continues to ebb out of Oikawa’s chest in a never ending cycle even as Iwaizumi presses down on the wound while telling him that he can’t go like this. Koushi doesn’t manage to do anything but sit there and stare at his offending hands. Iwaizumi continues to call out for Oikawa as he turns to Koushi, eyes sharp and hardened. He doesn’t ask why but his stare is enough to make Koushi hurt and regret over and over._

 

 

 

 

 

Koushi curses inwardly as he jerks awake, staring at the empty ceiling as the sweat rolls down his back. He’s lucky that his voice has been sealed by the duct tape. He’s sure he wouldn’t have managed to swallow that back. That had been a horrible dream that featured a part of Koushi’s new reality. Koushi’s breath is haggard and his body feels sore and cold. He wants to move from his spot but he can’t bring himself to do it right away. That makes his heart drop in his chest and it seems to beat too fast for the world around him.

 

Everything in Koushi’s line of sight seems to spin. It feels fast but Koushi sees it in a slow motion and it’s frustrating because his body is frozen. Unsteadily, Koushi jerks right up and walks around in circles in a slow motion, to match the pace he feels the world is moving at. He doesn’t feel safe lying down, but even now when he’s walking, it feels like he will topple over. Right now, all Koushi has is himself and the world is not safe, but the one that he fears the most at this moment is himself. He doesn’t feel like he’s in control of his body. And the fact that Koushi knows it but cannot do anything about it is even more frustrating.

 

Koushi spends half a day there, trying to come to terms with himself and forces his body to return under his control. He stays by the rotting corpse and it helps to hide him for the time that it takes him to recover. He thinks about how long he has left to get to Fukushima and if he can meet up with Asahi and Shimizu if they’re safe. There are only _ifs_ on his mind and it’s almost not worth the trip, but Tooru had said that Hajime will be heading in that direction.

 

Before that any of that can happen though, Koushi will need to visit a pharmacy or something. He barely has any supplies left and he didn’t even have to share any with Tooru. It’s now or never. If Koushi doesn’t stock up, he’ll never make it to Miyagi. Koushi packs his bags up again, leaving nothing behind. Even if he needs to make space, it will only be wise to do if he is sure that he will get some supplies on him.

 

Koushi leaves a can of tuna and once he’s ready to head out, stabs a hole through it. Then he squeezes some of the oil out to make a good start of a fire. He yanks the jacket that Tooru had been sporting from underneath him and takes it along with him. If the Infected are not attracted to their own kind, this may keep Koushi safe on the road for a small moment. Before he exits, Koushi sets the premises ablaze. It’ll draw attention when the flames grow but hopefully, he’ll have distracted enough Infected so that he can make a quick round around town.

 

Before he leaves, Koushi clasps his hands together in a small prayer for Tooru and then drops the lit match stick in the pile of wood that Tooru had been resting against. Luckily there hasn’t been much rain and so it catches fire quite quickly, but the spread is slow. It’s kind of like firewood, but Koushi hopes that all the oil that he’s managed to get out of the can of tuna will work well once he’s got himself out.

 

Koushi exits from the backdoor that he had come from and makes a quick run towards the nearest tree to hide himself behind the trunk’s figure. He watches the little house just for a little longer and he can see the smoke start to fill the room, but the flames are still well hidden. Biting down on his lower lip, Koushi forces himself to turn away and run towards the little shopping district that he can make out in the distance.

 

The jogging makes his breath haggard—he still hasn’t recovered all that well from the lack of sleep, but he sees the Adachi Junior High School sign toppled on the sidewalks. He tries to picture his location on the map but it’s of no use. The school would probably have resources and information but there is no way Koushi will go near the school. Who knows how many students have become Infected? Koushi runs right pass it in the quietest manner possible while keeping low.

 

The pharmacy is just a block down. Koushi looks at the dark windows and swallows hard. He doesn’t actually have the time to do a full inspection of it. He can see the smoke going up from the direction that he had come and there had been footsteps going in that direction. It’s not a smart choice, but if Koushi doesn’t have any supplies he won’t make it anyway. He takes a moment to convince himself with that line of thinking and makes his trip forward.

 

Koushi pushes the door open and slips inside, making sure to leave enough space so that he has a swift exit, should this place be swamped with the Infected. Koushi rummages through the closets quickly. He opens them and if he doesn’t find anything useful, closes them in flash. The pharmacy that Koushi had entered has barely anything. When he gets to the last door, he hopes and hopes as he pulls it open. But Koushi jumps to a start the moment that he scans it because inside, there’s a _child_ , eyes hallowed out but is staring right at him. It tilts its head curiously and Koushi bites down on his lips, backing away slowly. His hands won’t stop trembling even though he knows exactly what it is that he needs to do. Eliminate the threat. It’s so simple, but Koushi’s hands tremble and he cannot grip the blade tight enough. The child shifts inside the closet and begins climbing out, hands and then knees.

 

Koushi backs away, swallowing thickly as it continues to advance. The Infected keeps titling its head, like it’s trying to analyse Koushi, but it doesn’t reach out to try and hurt him. Koushi keeps backing away, until he hits a wall and manages a curse underneath his breath. He doesn’t think his hands will move but the Infected starts crawling on top of him, rotting arms and legs wading around aimlessly. Shivering at the touch, Koushi’s reflexes save him. In one swift motion, Koushi jabs the knife into the junction open at the rotten neck and swings hard down. He smashes the head to the ground and then steps down on the blunt knife to separate the head from the main body.

 

The Infected’s head falls off with ease, messy green fluid flowing out. Koushi feels sick at the sight, but grabs a nearby brown bag and shoves the head inside, still dripping wet. If Tooru’s shirt had helped then this will too. The weight of the head in his hand is heavy and Koushi continues to tremble as he moves along but he forces his fingers to curl tightly around the bag, making sure not to drop it in case there are more Infected hidden in the nooks and crannies that he hasn’t been able to check before coming in.

 

Luckily, the fridge stores some items that Koushi may be able to use. He takes all the water, dumping out his old empty bottles while he’s at it. There are some painkillers in there too, which he shoves into his pocket for those _just in case_ he cannot do it situations. There’s an icepack on the upper level which Koushi takes, though he doesn’t know how useful it will be without a fridge.

 

He moves onto the little convenience store next door and is glad to find that there are still some canned supplies lying around. Koushi doesn’t bother looking through the cupboards in case he finds another Infected in there. His body isn’t listening to him so he can’t risk it. Running through the isle, Koushi swipes whatever’s left on the shelves into his backpack, zips it up and runs. The flames in the background are brighter now and he can see a bunch of Infected exiting the school and making their way there. All Koushi has to do now is go in the opposite direction.

 

Koushi moves swiftly and keeps as low as possible. Koushi doesn’t like alleyways and tries to avoid them, but the Infected keep coming his way. The Infected head for the bright light so at every turn, Koushi has to duck into the corner and hide just a moment. No matter how the process slows him down, it gets him there eventually. Koushi makes it across the small town and quickly ducks into the abandoned police station. The station is eerily quiet and Koushi moves through it, while looking at the broken signage. He needs something other than the knife that’s going blunt and he hopes that this place isn’t as infested as the school was. The upper level of the police station is pretty empty, but considering that they keep the weapons well concealed, Koushi knows that he will have to descend to the lower levels. That’s likely where it will become dangerous.

 

Koushi exhales slow and steadily before pushing the door open. It’s dark inside and empty, but Koushi would rather move in the dark than in daylight. If it is day the Infected that still have their eyes will probably find him quicker than he can move. Instead, he opts for the torch that he had found earlier and moves around with it, flashing a light every few seconds so he can time his steps. Stumbling over a step, Koushi accidentally flashes the light in the direction of the Infected and instantly, shuts it off.

 

He had expected it, but the image of them piled upon each other still shakes him. Moving forward more carefully now, Koushi holds the brown bag in front of him to ward the Infected away. His foot knocks into something metallic and it clangs against the ground. Koushi bends his knees just a little and begins feeling for it with his hands. He manages to grab onto a baton and then the gun that lies next to it. The gun is a little light so Koushi knows that he’ll have to search for bullets.

 

But for now, Koushi has to fight up the nest that he’s just woken up. No matter how hard Koushi bats the air with the baton, the Infected refuses to give up—if the Infected are actually capable of making a choice. Right now, it’s gnawing on Koushi’s shirt but soon, it will go for flesh. Making a rash choice, Koushi fiddles with the gun until it clicks. Once he hears the click, Koushi pulls the trigger and hopes for the best. The Infected’s head goes flying, but more of them seem to wake up if their murmuring and clattering is anything to go by.

 

“Shit,” Koushi curses, grappling to get back on his feet.

 

The impact of the recoil isn’t something that he had expected. He knew it would be loud, but the resounding echo probably attracted more Infected than Koushi can handle. Leaving his arm for the time being, Koushi grabs all the bullets that he can find and shoves it into his pocket. He rushes back up the stairs and slams the door to a close before exiting the station. Just taking a peek at behind him has chills running down Koushi’s spine. _Now_ he’s done it. Some of the Infected coming from the school are still heading towards the heat that the fire exhibits, but more than Koushi can handle, have turned their heads in his direction.

 

Koushi dashes as fast as he can on his feet but the Infected from the school aren’t the only ones around. Cursing himself for his poor luck again, Koushi ducks around the corner of the building and then attempts to keep low. Koushi walks slowly with his back pressed against the wall, being careful to watch his step so that he doesn’t sleep on anything that will create noise and attract more Infected. But as he glides along the wall, something grabs onto his hand and Koushi jumps, pulling it along.

 

Smelling the pungent scent of all the Infected combined is enough to indicate the possibility of Koushi’s end. Koushi kicks off the shoe and hopes that it’s enough of a distraction for him to pull his body off the ground and get going. It’s a weak attempt but seeing the Infected fight over his shoe, Koushi takes the other one off too and throws it midst their crowd to buy him some more time. Koushi takes off after that, barefoot and nearly regretting it when he steps on glass, but forces himself to go forward.

 

Around the corner, Koushi finds the police station’s bicycles abandoned on the ground. Sighing with relief, Koushi rushes over and pulls one up. Wasting another bullet, Koushi severs the chain that guards it against theft. Koushi jumps on the bicycle immediately. He doesn’t have time to be concerned with the bell or the flash light so he just pedals hard. With one hand on the handle, he throws the brown bag back, hitting one of the Infected in the face. It seems confused and in that moment, Koushi turns to face forward, pedalling as hard as he can so that he can make his escape. He makes sure to keep his hands away from the bell and hopes that he’ll be far enough by the time they start looking for him again that they won’t be able to see that red flash light.

 

 

 

 

 

Koushi staggers a little, pulling the bicycle along. Thankfully, his feet had been fine. Koushi had not stepped on any infected fluids and the bleeding had eventually stopped. However, his legs are so numb he can barely pedal, let alone walk. Seeing bicycles parked outside the Adatara Shrine, Koushi drags his feet there. They’re perched up so that they can be moved quickly so it’s likely to be the work of humans.

 

Koushi hasn’t sleep in days and it feels like it is accumulating. He needs the company, so he sets his bicycle down besides theirs and staggers towards the door. He hopes that the humans residing inside are kind. There is whispering inside and he tries to knock, but topples over, pushing the door open with a slight creak. Everything happens too fast and when Koushi tries to pull away from the incoming fight, he gets caught by the door knob and ends up with a cut on his arm.

 

“Urgh,” Koushi whines, grabbing onto the ebbing wound as his head spins. “I’m—”

 

“Suga!” Shimizu cries, lunging at him and eloping him in a hug.

 

Koushi sobers a little and looks around to find Shimizu closing in on him and Asahi looking older than ever. He must be dreaming. Asahi looks extremely relieved but at the same time, worried. Asahi’s hands dance around, like he’s stuck between joining the hug and telling them to be quiet, but he does neither and just panics on his own. Koushi catches the sight and laughs into Shimizu’s shoulder just as she says _stupid_ , despite how tightly she’s holding onto him.

 

“Sorry,” he whispers in return, hugging her back just as tightly—dream or not, Koushi will take this comfort. “I’m okay. I’m glad you’re okay too.”

 

Koushi almost doesn’t want to believe that it’s reality. It’s been so long since he has last seen anyone and it had been hard to stay sane alone. He hasn’t been getting enough sleep and Tooru decides that it’s fun to haunt him every time he closes his eyes. If it isn’t Tooru being playful then it is Hajime, eyes stern and accusatory. Koushi has had enough, but no matter what he does, they don’t leave him alone. It’s nice to see Shimizu and Asahi in their place.

 

“Suga,” Asahi says quietly, grabbing his arm. “We need to wrap this up.”

 

Shimizu lets go of him carefully and shifts a little so that Asahi can take a closer look at the wound. Koushi winces as Asahi lifts his arms but bites down on his lips so that he doesn’t yelp in the process. Asahi apologises to him as he unlocks his bag to pull out some liquid antiseptic. He pours a good amount over the wound and then dabs at it with some cotton pieces. Shimizu helps out, taking the clear bandaid and putting it on top before she wraps a gauze over it.

 

“Sorry about that,” Shimizu tells him.

 

Koushi shakes his head but the mirage still refuses to go, “I would have done the same thing.”

 

“Sorry we lost track of you,” Asahi apologises quietly, “You look like hell.”

 

“I haven’t slept,” Koushi confesses.

 

“You can do it now,” Shimizu tells him, taping up the last bit. “We’ll stay on watch for you.”

 

Koushi takes the chance and sleeps soundly, slumped against Shimizu. He feels warm and safe and maybe that’s a false sense of security that his brain is giving him because he hasn’t slept in days, but it’s so nice. Koushi leans against her, nails digging into the material of her shirt tightly without any intentions of letting go. He feels himself being moved during his sleep, but the warmth feels so safe, Koushi doesn’t bother fighting it.

 

He wakes up in the same position, Shimizu still, rubbing soothing circles against his back. Koushi moves groggily, feeling even worse than when he had been awake. When he actually registers it, he jerks away from Shimizu and puts up a weak defence. The hand that Koushi had tried to get on Shimizu has been bandaged up with tape and gauze. The sight makes Koushi stop as he looks up, to see if he is really dreaming.

 

“Woah,” Shimizu stumbles, putting her hand up in the air, “Suga, you’re safe.”

 

Koushi swallows once and shakes his head vigorously, but Shimizu’s image in front of him is still clear as day, “You’re real?”

 

“Yes,” Shimizu nods, wrapping her arms around him again. “Calm down okay?”

 

Shimizu has her arms around him again, careful but tight so that he doesn’t have room to fidget. She pets his head softly and hushes him with her soft voice, telling him to calm down because he’s fine now. She’s got him and so does Asahi. Koushi nods into her shoulder and takes a few deep breaths to regulate his breathing. Shimizu shifts a little, probably feeling a bit stiff from holding him for so long. Koushi gives her a quick squeeze and pulls away.

 

“I’m sorry for being a nuisance.”

 

Shimizu gets up and does a few squats to stretch out her legs. “Nonsense.”

 

“Have you eaten at all?” Asahi asks, handing him a plastic cup.

 

Koushi takes a sip at it, the warmth making everything feel okay. Koushi knows that it’s temporary, but his body needs a break. Asahi and Shimizu quietly fills him in on the details. He notes their path and their current location and realises that Asahi and Shimizu had found the train line and followed it. They probably passed by Adachi Station too, but didn’t stock up there because their stop at Nihonmatsu was good for it.

 

“I stocked up at Adachi,” Koushi informs them, looking down at his feet, which have also been carefully treated. “Picked up some useful information too.”

 

Koushi fills the silence but avoids telling them about Tooru. Koushi doesn’t know how to tell them that he needs to go and find Hajime, so he doesn’t. Koushi allows the sense of security he has with them to take over. Shimizu watches him closely and Asahi even more so, like they can’t let him go a second time. For as long as Koushi can, he will put off thinking about it. He doesn’t know what he will say to Hajime when the time comes but he won’t contemplate on it. There’s just no time for it.

 

“I ended up near the mountains. There were very few Infected there,” Koushi explains, now chewing on a frozen piece of bread that Asahi had handed him—it’s disgustingly stale but it will do. “It looks like the virus doesn’t function well with the cold?”

 

Shimizu nods and Asahi does too, taking it all in. They’re probably thinking that Koushi had been lucky to have gone on that path especially if he was alone. Koushi on the other hand, wishes that he didn’t. If he didn’t run into Kunimi, he wouldn’t have found out about Tooru or Hajime. He wouldn’t have taken that path to either. Koushi may have been able to meet with his friends earlier. If they had run into Tooru after that maybe Asahi and Shimizu would tell him that they had a solution for the problem Koushi had with Tooru, but all of that is over and done with now.

 

“And,” Koushi gags a little at the thought. “If we smear our clothing with the Infected’s bodily fluid, it could hide us for a couple of hours.”

 

Shimizu’s expression falters a little at the tip, but she controls it well. If it means survival, then they will have to do what it takes. He can tell though, that Shimizu is worried about the chances of them changing into an Infected if they are too close with an Infected’s fluids. It’s a perfectly normal thing to worry about but if they’re careful about it, it will increase their chances of survival.

 

“But you said their activity is low where it’s cold?” Asahi hums thoughtfully.

 

Koushi nods.

 

“Then Hokkaido might be a good destination.”

 

Koushi sighs, “We’d have to get a boat.”

 

That’s both noisy and large—both noticeable factors that will attract the Infected. The plan will only work if they can find a boat that will be able to carry them. Koushi doubts that there will be any working boats. The Government had used what was there to evacuate all the people that they could. Koushi hasn’t heard any news since, but no one has time to listen to the radio and no one has the chance to report such a thing. There’s no way to communicate right now.

 

“It’ll be on the way,” Shimizu reasons. They could just cut through to sea from where they are, but they probably won’t have enough supplies to last them a trip. It’s too far off from Hokkaido anyway. “If we can get to the border, the three of us could probably man a fishing boat. It’ll be draining, but I think the sea might be safer than land right now.”

 

 

 

 

 

Koushi jerks awake and he feels himself being rocked along. It takes a while for Koushi to register it, but the memory comes back slowly. On the road, they had given up on their bicycles because the tyres had become flat. They had hijacked a car and Asahi had jump started it. It’s not ideal, but it is moving them faster and further than their feet will. Shimizu who is napping next to him stirs too, opening her eyes and turning to face him. Koushi forces on a quivering smile and Shimizu pinches his lips together.

 

“Don’t do that,” Shimizu tells him. “Where did you pick up that bad habit?”

 

She means the fake smile and the words, make Koushi smile for real. Shimizu allows the second smile to stay and Koushi pulls his back off the seat. He looks out the window and follows Shimizu’s line of sight. They are driving by quickly, but neither of them miss the sight of the road filled with rubbles from the torn buildings and the bodies of both humans and the Infected which continue to decay.

 

“You don’t want to talk about it,” Shimizu says softly, passing Koushi a canned coffee. “That’s okay but…”

 

“I’m okay,” Koushi lies, peeling his eyes away from the sight outside the window. “It’s just… being alone for a few weeks can do things…”

 

The list of things that Koushi doesn’t want to talk about grows with his guilt. His hands still tremble every time he grips the blade. The shape of his grip is the same and the tighter he holds it so that he doesn’t lose it, the clearer the memory comes. Koushi pulls his feet onto the seat, feeling cold. He rests his forehead on his knees and sighs loudly.

 

“Shimizu you’re strong.”

 

She knocks her shoulder against his, “Who’s saying that you’re not?”

 

“Right,” Asahi helps to correct him too. “Only you would have enough will to travel on such light sleep.”

 

Koushi chuckles a little. “Thanks.”

 

Koushi sleeps when they force him to but honestly, Koushi has been avoiding sleep. The memory feels so much more real when he has his eyes closed. Hajime and Tooru are always closer to him when he’s in the dark, but that’s not the memory he wants to associate with them. But now, Koushi can’t picture that lively sunshine anymore. He doesn’t like the feeling of being swallowed so staying awake is the best mechanism of keeping it away.

 

Asahi is right in his deduction. Koushi is a little resilient to everything now. They made it to Sendai and then moved on Miyagi. The trip wasn’t easy but they still pulled through. At one of the shrines, they recognised one of Koushi’s volleyball signs and Shimizu had not been quick enough to erase the message. Shimizu had wanted to keep morals up and Koushi probably would have done the same thing but they all saw it and it’s a big blow.

 

Koushi had taken the news better than both Shimizu and Asahi. It seems to have dragged Asahi and Shimizu down considerably. Koushi however, only feels a heavier weight, but it remains manageable. For Koushi, the two matters are different. The death of a former teammate out of his control is nothing compared to the life of someone he stole.

 

They only need to travel a little more before they get home. Once there, they will be able to make use of everything that they know they have. Then they will need to head east and hopefully, there will be some abandoned boats lying around. Koushi suspects that they will have to fight a number of Infected for it, but this time, it will be three of them instead of him alone.

 

“Oh, we’re good to keep going,” Asahi announces. “I did the fuel run while you slept.”

 

Fuel is the only thing that is keeping them going. They have been drained without any resources for survival. All the food is gone and all they have left is canned coffee which isn’t healthy. There was probably nothing left at the petrol station so that means they’ll have to continue on empty stomachs. Koushi thinks he’ll be fine for a little longer but Shimizu continues to grow thin and pale. It feels like she’ll die of hunger before losing to an Infected.

 

“My turn to drive,” Koushi signals for Asahi to pull over, “It should be okay, but I’m sorry to ask that you guys sleep lightly.”

 

“Yeah,” Shimizu nods. “Just yell.”

 

Koushi nods solemnly. He doesn’t know how well that will go, but if anything, he’ll yell and pick up the speed. The Infected are still slow, it’s just a matter of getting to a safe point in town and getting the petrol so that they can keep going.

 

 

 

 

 

_“Hajime,” Koushi says, testing it on his tongue._

_Koushi doesn’t expect him to hear it and jerks at the clattering. It’s sudden for both of them because Iwaizumi who is standing behind him drops the dish into the sink abruptly. It breaks apart as the tap runs and Koushi moves over, pushing Iwaizumi out of the way so he can clean up the mess. Koushi gives him a sheepish smile and Iwaizumi doesn’t look too fazed but his decision on it is slow. Iwaizumi doesn’t say anything, just watches as he waits for Koushi to give him an explanation._

_“Oh, no…” Koushi scratches his cheeks gently, “I just thought it’d be a nice place to start.”_

_There’s another moment of silence and now, Koushi can feel the heat rising from his chest to his cheeks. Maybe he said the wrong thing. Maybe it was too quick. Maybe, he’s been reading the wrong signs and this is not okay yet. Koushi bites down on his lips and then turns around, smiling so that he can apologise but Iwaizumi meets his eyes and they seem to sparkle just that little bit._

_“Yes…?”_

_“Koushi,” Iwaizumi says._

_Koushi blinks, feeling his face heat up immediately. So maybe it’s not that good of an idea. He clears his throat and turns away, pulling the kettle off the tray and pouring out the water to make the tea. He’s just going to ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen._

_“Maybe not then,” Koushi eventually says._

_Iwaizumi-san still sounds pretty good. Being called Suga by Iwaizumi for now is fine. They can work on it slowly and Oikawa will just have to put up with it. Koushi doesn’t care because this is too intimate._

_“It’s fine,” Iwaizumi assures him. “It’s different but I like it.”_

_Koushi’s mouth curves into a wide smile before he can stop it. Hajime grins back, a light layer of pink dusting his cheeks and he makes an attempt to grab onto Koushi’s hands. He gives it a little squeeze and it makes Koushi giggle. Hajime’s always seemingly rough with Oikawa, but there’s always a gentleness hidden behind it. This time, Koushi gets to experience it firsthand._

_“You should have started here,” Hajime says, making Koushi jerk—_

_Suddenly, his hands feel wet and Koushi looks down to find his hand gripping tightly onto a sharp fragment of the broken plate. Koushi’s eyes widen because this isn’t a part of his memory. It’s skewed again and he jerks away, trying to put it back the way it’s meant to be. But when he looks down at his hands, they’re stained red and the wound opens in Hajime’s stomach, widening and widening as he struggles. Koushi looks up and meets Hajime’s teary eyes—they’re accusing him, asking why and Koushi struggles to get away, but it’s already too late. By the time that he gets his hands free, Hajime is staggering on his knees and Tooru’s wailing can be heard._

 

 

 

 

 

“Suga,” Asahi yells, “Stop!”

 

Koushi fights against Asahi’s grip, who is trying to shake him to his senses. He thrashes against the grip and jerks away, hurling Asahi across the room in the process. The crash is loud and Shimizu comes running back in immediately. Koushi’s eyes open widely, as he jerks in reaction to the water that squeezes out of Asahi’s bottle. It’s such a waste, but it sobers him up. Asahi frowns at him and he turns away, biting down on his lips. Another apology won’t solve the problem. He’s already lost count of how many times it has been—how meaningless his words have become.

 

“Sorry,” Koushi says anyway out of habit. “Sorry. I fell asleep… too deeply.”

 

“It’s fine,” Shimizu nods, allowing Koushi to deflect it. “Can you help me carry this?”

 

Koushi gets off his butt immediately and walks over to help. At the border, the three of them had managed to find a suitable boat. They have a lot to move onto the boat and luckily, it’s one that’s big enough to take them and a good amount of supplies. All Koushi and Asahi had to do was look for wood and some nails to patch it up again. Now, it looks good enough to be used and Shimizu had encouraged them to move quickly.

 

Koushi picks up a box and brings it over. It’s dark out so they move quietly and hope to blend in with the darkness in the horizon before the sun rises. They push everything to the corners and balance out the boat so that it doesn’t sink on one end. They move the weapons that they have managed to find first and Shimizu tucks the lifejacket and fishing rods away. They have a lot of food to move and on the third trip back, Koushi stops in his tracks, the guilt of the memory eating away at him.

 

“Suga?” Both Shimizu and Asahi call. “Are you alright?”

 

Koushi carries the box in his hands but remains frozen, staring at nothing at all. This is it for him. Once he gets on that boat, he will be making a permanent escape. Koushi had been wrapped up in security by being with his friends and didn’t even make an attempt to look for Hajime when they had arrived at Miyagi. That was not okay, but Koushi had convinced himself that it was. But it’s not and Hajime had given him a reminder.

 

“I can’t get on that boat,” Koushi confesses.

 

Shimizu walks around and looks at Koushi in a bewildered fashion and then pinches _his_ cheeks to check his sanity. It’s a light pain, but she means to knock some sense into him. They have been moving based on this plan and now Koushi says that he cannot board. It’s absolutely ridiculous, especially because Shimizu has no intentions of leaving him behind again. He knows that she has her traumas about it but…

 

“I’m sorry,” Koushi says again and it’s still futile. “I… I have to find Ha—Iwaizumi-san.”

 

“No,” Shimizu replies firmly. “I can’t let you do that.”

 

Koushi stares at her and Shimizu puts her hand on her hips, daring him to argue. Asahi stands between them, trying to stop a fight from breaking out. Koushi won’t let it go that far, but if he needs to he’ll try his hardest to knock her out and make sure that Asahi gets her off land. When she wakes, it’ll already be too late but Asahi will be able to calm her down eventually.

 

“I… please, let me go,” Koushi pleads. “I… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

 

Shimizu stares at him, eyes sharp. “Then don’t bring it up now.”

 

“I need to see him,” Koushi states firmly.

 

Asahi is once again standing between the two of them, trying with his flailing hands to mediate the matter. He doesn’t want them to raise their voices, but he cannot raise his voice to tell them to stop. Koushi doesn’t want to raise his voice either, but Shimizu is firm and he feels like he cannot get anywhere by saying it in his usual gentle voice. She won’t take him seriously enough—or maybe, she doesn’t want to.

 

“You don’t even know if he’s alive!” Shimizu almost shouts. “It was a miracle that you found us again, Suga.”

 

She doesn’t bring up Tanaka, who had been lost but the way she looks, reminds Koushi of the expression she had when they had received the coded message. Daichi didn’t leave much of an explanation, but Koushi has a feeling it probably had something to do with his older sister. Daichi had tried to be kind to them but it didn’t really help.

 

“He’s alive,” Koushi retorts. “He’s alive because Too—Oikawa-san saved him.”

 

“Then leave it to Oikawa-san,” Shimizu replies, turning away with the box of water in her hands. “This isn’t the time to be playing hero, Suga.”

 

“Oikawa-san can’t—” Koushi chokes, hands trembling again as he remembers the day and for the first time, Koushi admits the reality of his actions. He curls his fingers into each other and attempts to hide them. “I killed him.”

 

The grip that Shimizu has on him loosens considerably. She stares with a shock on her face and staggers backwards slowly on unsteady feet. Koushi lowers his gaze and is glad that Asahi is there to catch her. Shimizu stares at him in silence for a long moment before she steps back even further—as if she’s resigning.

 

“I’m sorry,” Shimizu tells him.

 

Koushi feels sorry too, but he cannot bring himself to say it. Shimizu isn’t the type, but in this situation, she might turn it back on him to get him to come along. Koushi cares a lot and doesn’t want to break her heart, but he cannot go on if he just leaves things as is. Honestly, he doesn’t know if Hajime will even be in the area—it’s out of Miyagi but there’s an off-chance that Hajime has been derailed. Koushi would like to think that even without Tooru their hearts are connected.

 

“Just… go without me,” Koushi says finally. He cannot ask them to wait—it’s too dangerous, especially if they can go ahead and find some safety at sea. “Don’t wait.”

 

Shimizu shakes her head immediately. “No.”

 

Koushi looks at her as she gathers her thoughts. It’s coming together, but there’s no doubt that Shimizu still wants to deny Koushi of his request. However, Shimizu settles for a compromise because she knows how important this is to him. That gives Koushi has a moment too, to consider how important this is to her. It’s a dangerous offer, but Shimizu has confidence.

 

“We still have a lot to move,” Shimizu offers. “It should be enough time for you to look around the area.”

 

“Suga,” Asahi places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “We’ll keep transferring our supplies. Why don’t you just… take some time, grab what’s useful and come back?”

 

Koushi cannot bring himself to protest against that. It’s not Shimizu asking, it’s his _best_ friend. It’s a compromise that Koushi can live with. Even if he doesn’t find Hajime now, he can say that he tried and that he will try again in another way at another time. Asahi and Shimizu offer a fair compromise. They haven’t had a careful look around the area. As soon as they arrived, they’d headed for the sea and looked around for the boat. Shimizu had found a hideout after that so that they could plan around it. They have supplies in the building and in the car but nearly not enough for the trip to Hokkaido so they could always carry some more.

 

“If I don’t, leave without me,” Koushi replies. “I’ll try but you never know what will happen.”

 

Asahi and Shimizu share a glance and then nod. It’s a secret glance that Koushi still hasn’t managed to figure out, but he has an idea about it. Still, they are letting him go so he will settle and move quickly.

 

“Okay,” Koushi nods, pulling them both into a hug. “Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Koushi keeps a list of things they need in mind. They don’t need very many things other than food and medical supplies. Shimizu had done a great job securing the lifejackets and Asahi finding the fishing rods in case they run out of food. Koushi is doing a pharmacy supply run and a run at one of the nearby convenience stores to see if there’s anything left that he can use. The pharmacy run is uneventful, but Koushi does manage to get his hands on more painkillers as labelled and all the first aid items that are left.

 

After leaving the pharmacy, Koushi takes his detour but he doesn’t know how long he can draw this out. Even though they have an agreement, Asahi and Shimizu will come looking if Koushi does not return. Although Koushi cannot figure out what their glance had meant, he can make a pretty good guess of it. The three of them have been friends long enough for Koushi to be sure.

 

Koushi slips into a small grocery store because that’s the one place humans will enter. He slips through the door and crouches to move about. There’s a clatter at the back and footsteps that rush forward, causing Koushi to start. Koushi turns swiftly, the knife at hand ready to strike. He only gets so far, when the familiar face comes into view. When he registers it, he pulls his blade back just a little and Hajime stops short of pulling the trigger. They stare at each other for a moment before Koushi lurches backwards, completely ready to run but Hajime dashes forward with his opens up his arms, to scoop Koushi into a warm embrace.

 

“You’re safe,” Hajime whispers against Koushi’s skin. “I’m so glad you’re safe.”

 

Koushi clutches onto him, digging his nails into Hajime’s shirt. Just a moment ago, Koushi had intended to run. He knew exactly what he was done, but now, he is doing the exact opposite. Koushi cannot believe this is the first time that he has held onto Hajime so tightly. It doesn’t feel wrong, but it doesn’t feel _right_ either. Tooru isn’t in between them and more than that, Koushi is the one that took Tooru away.

 

“Hajime,” Koushi whimpers, clinging tightly onto Hajime’s clothes, “Hajime.”

 

Hajime grabs onto him tighter, even as his legs give way and they end up on the floor, pressed against the counter bench. Koushi can’t let go, but at the same time, he doesn’t know if he is allowed to have this. Hajime continues to rub his back soothingly. Even when Koushi is done crying, Hajime won’t let him go, almost as if he knows and the thought scares Koushi into silence.

 

“Shh,” Hajime chides, whispering lies softly against Koushi’s ear. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

 

Koushi cannot trust those words, but he wants to. Unlike Tooru, Hajime is the one that keeps his promises. Koushi wants to believe it, but he cannot find room in his heart to do so. Ever since Koushi found that Tooru had given his life away for Hajime, Koushi has felt the resentment for grow in his chest. It had always been there, a little hint of jealously that they hadn’t gotten around to resolving. But then Tooru disappeared and Koushi couldn’t stop thinking about it. Koushi had avoided it, because he thought that hate is all that he holds now. It is hate for both himself and Hajime but being in Hajime’s embrace now, changes everything. Aside from hate, Koushi’s guilt intensifies with each second that Hajime holds him. Koushi realises now, that his guilt stems from an existing affection he has for Hajime.

 

“It’ll be alright,” Hajime continues to chide, rubbing Koushi’s back gently. “You’ve done great.”

 

Koushi ignores the praise—it’s unwarranted—but Koushi is afraid of telling the truth. Koushi doesn’t know what he can say to make Hajime understand. Will Hajime understand him? Can Koushi be understood? Is that even what he wants? A million different scenarios explode in Koushi’s mind. So many things can happen depending on what he says and how he says it. What is the right thing to tell Hajime?

 

Hajime rocks Koushi in his embrace gently and brings him back. “I love you, Kou-chan.”

 

Hajime hugs him even closer now, to the point where it hurts. Suddenly, everything hits home for Koushi. Koushi freezes in his embrace, arms loosening just a bit in his shock. Tooru, in his last moments, had not mentioned Koushi at all. There had been no final confession for Koushi. Instead, Tooru had focused all of his energy on Hajime and Koushi had been a little resentful. But now Koushi knows that Hajime had put up with the same thing.

 

“Iwa-chan,” Koushi repeats the message slowly, through his tears and Hajime loosens his grip ever so softly, “I love you.”

 

Only Tooru calls Hajime by that nickname. It’s difficult but Koushi feels relief saying it. Tooru’s last request is complete and Koushi feels at ease because _means_ it. Tooru must have known. However, the feeling is momentary. The words and how Koushi actually feels doesn’t manage to change anything about the resentment that Koushi has formed over the past month. He thinks that he hates Hajime for what happened to Tooru, but he knows that it couldn’t have been avoided. Koushi’s body would have moved reflexively in that situation as well and he would have protected them. Koushi knows it well, but he cannot bring himself to accept it.

 

Maybe, Koushi just doesn’t love himself and maybe, Koushi doesn’t deserve their love either. During this whole time apart, Hajime and Tooru had been going back to find him and Koushi? Koushi had been travelling around while being negligent of the fact that Tooru and Hajime were unlikely to have been evacuated in the first place. Koushi wanted to turn a blind eye to the possibility that they were remaining, but then, fate decided that now was the time to play games.

 

Running into Tooru would have been a blessing if it were not for the state that Tooru was in. Koushi could have lived with that—he would have given up on looking for Shimizu and Asahi so that they could regroup with Hajime, but it didn’t play out that way. Instead, Koushi had taken Tooru’s life to secure his own and then made a promise he wasn’t even sure that he could keep. Koushi saw his promise through to the end but nothing feels right about it. Even now, Koushi wants—

 

“Maybe he didn’t think we were trying hard enough about the loving each other thing,” Hajime mumbles.

 

Koushi nods into Hajime’s chest. He agrees but it’s different. The relationship that Koushi has with Hajime is vastly different from the one that he shares with Tooru. They’re affectionate in their own way and their way of addressing each other should have shown that. Maybe Tooru hadn’t seen it that way. His endearment terms are short and cute. On the other hand, Koushi and Hajime, are okay with using their first names with a little distance in between them so that they can allow Tooru to slip between them in an easy going manner.

 

“You did the right thing,” Hajime assures him, still squeezing onto him tightly. “We’re proud of you.”

 

Koushi bites down on his lips to hold back his whimper. Does Hajime actually know? Can Koushi tell him? Tooru has given Hajime the life that he has now and Koushi’s life was obtained by taking from Tooru’s. But Koushi sees no point to it. The knowledge will not give Hajime anything other than pain.

 

“But,” Hajime says and suddenly, Koushi _can’t_ breathe, but Hajime won’t let him go. “You tried to run away from me just now.”

 

Koushi fights the urge to resist Hajime’s embrace. Koushi stays completely still, trying to feign innocence, as if he doesn't have anything to say but Hajime doesn’t allow it to slide. It’s not a surprise that Hajime knows this side of him well but Koushi still hopes that he can get away. Even though they’ve always been slightly awkward without Tooru in between him, Hajime can be rather observant.

 

“What aren’t you telling me?”

 

“Hajime I—” Koushi swallows thickly, but he still chokes on his words. “Tooru—my hands—”

 

Koushi’s hands trembling uncontrollably as he starts on his words. Just thinking about it is enough to bring back the image of Tooru’s smile and his request. Koushi keeps thinking that he should have said no, but no matter how many times Koushi considers it, he cannot change the past.

 

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Hajime whispers against his ear.

 

Koushi drops his head against Hajime’s shoulder and bites down on his lips. Hajime is _forgiving_ him. Koushi should do the same. But Hajime makes it look easy. Koushi cannot do that. The image of Tooru beneath him, calling out for Hajime even at this last moments linger on his mind. It’s been repeating in his dreams and now, even during the day, it haunts him when he’s stationary. Koushi can’t—

 

“Koushi,” Hajime pats Koushi’s back gently. “Stop thinking, okay? Just stop for a minute.”

 

No matter what reassuring things Hajime says Koushi just can’t breathe. The air in his body seems to have stopped moving and he cannot force the air to leave his throat. There’s too much air and not enough of Koushi here to control it. Hajime pulls away slowly and then cups Koushi’s face within his palms. Hajime looks at Koushi and breathes at a beat that Koushi tries his best to match. It’s a long time before Koushi manages to calm, but Hajime continues with him, breathing slowly and stroking Koushi’s face gently to soothe him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Hajime tells him, pressing their foreheads together. “You had to do it alone.”

 

Koushi’s eyes start to water. Holding back the sob again, Koushi raises his own hands to embrace Hajime’s face. He closes his eyes slowly, tracing the lines of Hajime’s face so that he can memorise it. The action seems to calm him and Koushi releases the pressure he has put on his lips with his teeth. Koushi can breathe now but he can’t tell Hajime. There’s no point in saying it. Telling him the truth now will bring detrimental consequences. While they’ll both suffer, only one of them needs the burden. Koushi will protect Hajime just as Tooru had.

 

“I love you,” Koushi whispers and this time, it’s his words.

 

Hajime lets out a small chuckle of relief and presses his lips to Koushi’s gently. “I love you too.”

 

Koushi caresses Hajime’s face gently and smiles against his lips. He wishes he could hear it one more time, but Hajime changes the way he touches and Koushi is immediately on alert. Hajime’s hand comes down to Koushi’s shoulder and he squeezes, not too soft but not too hard and it’s enough of a sign for Koushi to get into gear. Koushi opens his eyes immediately and tunes into the sounds from around him. The Infected are coming.

 

It’s a given seeing as they’ve been so noisy. Hajime gives him a quick and final squeeze before he pulls away, eyes sharpened and wary. Koushi nods in understanding and glides his hand through his pocket to pull out the flick-blade that he had put away. His grip is much firmer now and if anything, he’ll protect Hajime at all costs. Koushi doesn’t have room to be flailing about. Hajime jerks his head in the direction of the window and Koushi nods in understanding.

 

“I promised Asahi and Shimizu that I’d be back,” Koushi confesses as he shuffles to his feet.

 

Hajime nods as he gets off his knees, “I promised Matsukawa the same thing.”

 

“Where are you headed?” Koushi replies, pushing an empty box out of his way.

 

Hajime shakes his head, “We haven’t decided yet. You?”

 

“Hokkaido,” Koushi informs, “Rough plan but we found a boat.”

 

“Why?” Hajime questions as he moves forward and takes a peek out the window. “Something up there?”

 

“The weather is cold,” Koushi supplies, following Hajime’s steps carefully. “The Infected don’t function well with the cold.”

 

“I’ll let Matsukawa know,” Hajime replies after a moment of consideration. “We’ll plan around Hokkaido.”

 

Koushi takes in a deep breath and gives Hajime a shaky smile, “Race you there.”

 

“What?” Hajime chides, but he waves a hand over and points to the corner of where there is a nest of Infected coming their way. “Race you there? That’s such a childishly Oikawa thing to say.”

 

“If he’s watching,” Koushi whispers softly, fond memories bubbling in his chest. “Might as well give him some entertainment.”

 

Hajime flashes a small smile, resting his forehead against Koushi’s gently, “Then the first one to get there will pass on the message.”

 

“Alright,” Koushi tells him fondly, “But whatever you do, make sure it hurts.”

 

“Deal,” Hajime says, indulging him.

 

“Then,” Koushi turns slightly with a small smile and Hajime curls his fingers around the back of Koushi’s neck, pulling him closer to peck his forehead lightly before letting him go with a light push. “I’ll see you.”

 

Koushi nods, shaking the tears away from his face. Hajime gives him a firm look, telling him to be strong and Koushi smiles again, this time a little more confidently. It’s a promise for a repeat that Koushi can keep. No matter when it is, there’s only one place that they can go.

 

_Fin._


End file.
